Updated: Aug 23, 2022
Is it time for you to clean the slate in a messy relationship?
A few years ago, I was in a stalemate with someone very close to me.
We didn't speak for a YEAR.
It ate me alive and made me question my own identity as someone who values love, connection and communication.
It took soul-searching, therapy, humility, and a couple of rock-solid books to give me what it would ultimately take to get to the other side of our roadblock to relating again. We got there, though the road was BUMPY. It was a road worth taking.
[Roadblock-confronting resources shared below].
How about YOU?
What's lingering in the air? A broken promise? An apology not yet offered? An unmet, unspoken need? An "I love you" or "I miss you?" A dug-in "But I'm RIGHT!?" A need to clear the air or get back on track?
Is there a relationship gone DARK or SHADOWY that you regret?
An unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship STILL CLINGING ON that needs to end or be confronted?
ICK. You know when it's there.
It HURTS when....
We're out of whack in some big or small way with those we care about We're relating in a way that's NOT REAL or HEALTHY, perhaps pretending things are "fine" when they are not We assume our friend, child, colleague, or spouse knows we didn't mean it, knows what we actually meant, knows our needs...and must somehow know we care even if we are silent, distant, critical, or grumpy.
We continue in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship because the conversation seems too daunting and the potential outcome of facing it too scary.
Do you want to keep carrying this ICK around?
May I be so bold as to suggest you don't?
Come on now, not without at least making some measurable PROGRESS.
We're better than this. Stronger than this. More committed to a good life than this.
We deserve -- we NEED -- to be in healthy relationships, and we have a POWERFUL part to play in making them healthy.
What do we want for this relationship INSTEAD? Openness? Authenticity? Fun? Acceptance? Expressed love or care?
Sure, it's not always a Bounty quicker picker upper type of mess that we're in. (Though you might be surprised).
Perhaps your road to relationship repair, improvement or even ending requires more serious clean-up equipment, even relationship stain experts (such as a therapist or relationship coach).
It may be a long road to genuine clean-up or just as quick as ripping off a Band-Aid, but if you're sitting sad and motionless at the traffic light, perhaps it's time to ease the car out of neutral and put some gas on the pedal to put you into motion on this.
It's a cliche, but life is short.
Conflict is (often) scary.
It can feel vulnerable and uncomfortable to "have the conversation" or raise an issue that could put you on the defensive. Even just to admit if we've made a mistake.
Face it anyway with grace, grit and integrity and reap the REWARDS.
What would it GIVE YOU to be on the other side? How would it FEEL? What might be possible if the BADASS RELATIONSHIP CLEANER-UPPER in you took courageous steps to get you there?
While we can't control how it will go once we start a conversation, what we CAN control is how WE show up for it, our intentions and goals and our "come-from." And this makes a BIG difference.
Hold tight to your WHY when you reach out.
If your why is to blame, shame, unload complaints, prove yourself right (you get the idea), you will end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy If your why is, for ex, to reconnect in a way that gives positive energy to the relationship and its future, or to end or reshape it with authenticity and grace, you will take a wholly different approach with these as your goal posts.
The time to begin is now.
Let's clean this ick up and not carry unnecessary relationship messes any further.
Consider: Where do I have a clean-up opportunity? What would it give me to clean it up in a way that feels aligned with my best self?
What is my goal -- my WHY?
How do I want to BE in this relationship and in the conversations it may take to get it "right?" For ex, open, curious, strong, forgiving, compassionate to self and other?
Do I need help taking the next step or is there a "right next step" I can take NOW?
Here's to a (re)connection, reconciliation and fulfilling & courageous relating with those who matter most.
RELATIONSHIP CLEAN-UP RESOURCES:
Book: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most Book: The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict Book: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom Prayer / Meditation: Loving-Kindness Meditation Experts / Support: Therapist, relationship coach, life coach